Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Go down

Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:40 pm

Okay, I've decided to play Kingdom Hearts. Let's do this.

The game opens with some whimsical dream sequences from our protagonist, Sora. He's been having these weird thoughts lately, he says. After he waxes philosophic for a second, the world breaks into song and many things happen, most of which include drowning.

An omnipotent but incredibly vague narrator starts explaining just what to do after Sora lands on some glass. He is given the choice between a sword, a shield and a wand that looks like it's made of balloons. Sora is a real man, so he chooses the sword immediately. The narrator asks Sora which of the other two he shall give up. I can almost see the pixelated smirk on Sora's face as he immediately gives up the stupid looking wand.

After giving Sora a second to practice his swordplay, the narrator sics what can only be described as Roach Demons on him. After slaughtering one mercilessly with his new blade, the others beat a hasty retreat. Bloodlust not yet sated, Sora is relieved when the near-endless prattle of the narrator gives way to another battle with a half dozen roach monsters.

The narrator proceeds to tell Sora many elementary things, such as how to open doors and treasure chests, and how to push boxes. I am almost depressed for Sora as he wades through a dream about motor skills.

Soon enough, he is transported to an island where some orphans ask him disturbingly deep and cryptic questions about life. After answering their questions, the narrator starts getting vaguer than ever and transports poor Sora back to the glass platforms from before.

Endless roach demons! After slicing his way through the impish horde, Sora levels up. Time to save!

Haha, a staircase leading ever upward. These things don't scare Sora, bring on the roach demons. As if to answer my cockiness, Sora's own shadow leaps off of the ground and starts morphing into some giant tentacle devil. The narrator tells Sora not to be frightened, but that's easy for him to say.

Actually, he was right, because that monster took less than a minute to defeat. Sora is still sucked into a gaping abyss of shadows, however, and this dream reaches its terrifying climax...

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Mon Jul 27, 2009 10:17 pm

Sora is woken up by a girl who is clearly his true love. I soon find out that her name is Kairi, and they live on what looks like some kind of Hawaiian paradise. Sora starts going on and on about visiting other worlds until some grey-haired kid comes and ruins their intimate moment by whining about rafts. The two boys are best friends, and I know nothing will come between them during the course of this game. After some quick bonding, Kairi gives Sora a laundry list of supplies, including two logs, a cloth, and a rope.

I can tell Sora already realizes their plan for a raft to sail away from home is incredibly childish and not going to work, but he goes along anyway. After all, he has to get on Kairi’s good side before his grey-haired friend does.

Sora runs around the island for a while, and those orphans from his dream are scattered about. The most popular thing to do on the island seems to be fighting endlessly, because this seems to be the only pastime these kids care about. They also appear to not be very good at fighting.

Sora has no time for their antics, he has to go find a log. However, he does take enough time to not only beat the three into a pulp, but mercilessly humiliate them by beating all three at once with ease. Sora is the baddest kid on the island, and they would do well to never screw with him.

Kairi’s miscellaneous pieces of junk are found quickly, but the final log sits at the feet of Sora’s mysterious friend. A quick spar indicates that this boy is more formidable than the three worthless playmates from before. However, Sora is not to be trifled with, and defeats his rival with the minimum of health left.

Sora runs to Kairi to brag, but she is only interested in his log. And by that I mean the large hunk of wood he found on the beach that she inexplicably thinks is going to make a raft.

Ah, the kids talk at sundown about floating to another world. Either they are using some island slang that uses the word “worlds” to describe “other islands,” or they do not quite know how sailing works. Riku, as he is named, tosses Sora a fruit that, according to him, intertwines people’s destinies if they eat it together. Sora is uncomfortable as Riku discloses this to him, clearly working out just how to react.

The scene switches to a giant castle! Instead of gallant knights and majestic kings roaming the halls, we are taken to see a long duck wandering around in wizard garb. He heads to the throne room, reads a note, and flips the **** out. Making a mad, quacking dash to the garden, the wizardly duck finds a mutant named Goofy sleeping in the bushes. Donald, as he’s called, wakes up Goofy and tells him that they’re in big trouble…

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:37 pm

The next morning Sora awakens to find the three useless kids from before loitering around, but Riku and Kairi have vanished! Moving further into the island, however, he finds Riku standing on a ledge. The two quibble over what to name their ill-fated raft, and Riku suggests a race to decide which name they will call it. However, just before the race begins, Riku sneakily changes the prize of the race to… Kairi!

The two race along the shore to touch the giant star tree. Riku’s face is priceless as his upped ante backfires and he loses terribly to his superior rival. In reward, Sora gets a pretty stone for some reason. Sora talks to Riku again, who pretends the Kairi comment was a joke in order to back out of his deal. No time for more races, Sora says, I have to go hit on Kairi!

To Sora’s surprise, Kairi is a master carpenter and has turned his two logs and piece of cloth into a raft big enough to fit three people comfortably overnight. However, as she gives him the list of provisions to get for the trip, which includes one seagull egg, three mushrooms, two coconuts, three fish, and one bottle of drinkable water, he once again realizes she does not quite know how dangerous sailing is.

Sora finds his silly foodstuffs quickly. On the seemingly parentless Destiny Islands, one must learn to feed themselves or die. However, as he gathers the final batch of hallucinatory mushrooms for Kairi, he takes time to draw himself feeding Kairi stars on the cavern walls. The childish display of affection is interrupted by a cloaked monk of sorts, who talks to Sora about darkness eerily. Sora is not afraid, brashly yelling at the man for a while before he leaves. The ghostly monk vanishes, cheery island music comes back, and Sora goes back to his business.

He gives the foodstuffs to Kairi, who is mildly impressed. The two of them talk until sunset, and Kairi makes some thinly veiled comments about wanting to leave that creep Riku on the island with those three creepy orphan kids.

Back to the castle, the king seems to have left a note saying that stars are being destroyed, and he is off to investigate the problem. Donald and Goofy must find their king, so they take a finely dressed cricket and leave their women behind. Goofy comically attempts to insinuate that he’s going to stay in the castle, but Donald is having none of that. The two of them head down a giant staircase and head into some cartoonishly decorated workshop manned by chipmunks. They board the silliest looking spaceship ever created, and are flung into the reaches of space as the women of the castle look on in dread.

Sora is too excited to sleep! Tomorrow morning, he and Kairi and maybe Riku will set sail on their doomed vessel! But alas, the night sky is filled with thunderous booms and black clouds. Their raft is in peril! Rushing down to the beach, Sora stops on the tiny dock as he is confronted by tons of roach demons.

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:26 am

Equipping his wooden sword, Sora assumes battle stance and has at the fiends. But oh no, Sora’s trusted weapon is not as effective on shadow ghouls as it was on the island orphans! He makes a run for it as he is soon overwhelmed by dozens of the foul things, and makes his way to Riku’s hangout to warn his friend.

Riku, however, has been possessed by a monologue demon or something, and spouts off some stuff about going on an adventure into a black hole. He is not afraid of the darkness, he says, but Sora wisely declines his stupid offer. Riku vanishes into a ball of shadows, and Sora finds his wooden sword replaced with… a gigantic key! Unlike his wooden dagger, the keyblade serves just fine as a weapon against the dozens of shadowfiends assaulting Sora. After at least five minutes of pure murdering, Sora’s mad appetite is filled as he remembers to search for Kairi.

He runs to their secret cavern, and finds Kairi, who looks very tired, just before she is sucked away into a door or something. Sora is pushed out of the cave, and lands on the beach outside. His island is being torn apart by the vortex above! If that weren’t enough, the tentacled hulk from before is back!

Luckily, the beast is no stronger than in the dreamworld, and Sora quickly breaks his hand and sends him flying. Unfortunately, Sora also flies into the ever-expanding mass of shadow in the sky and everything goes black…

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:34 am

Sora awakens in a back alley alone and miserable, no doubt having just slept in the stench of this mysterious new town’s garbage. He has just lost everything, his friends, his island, his home… and to make matters worse, the first shop he enters appears to gainfully employ ducks. This is simply too much for our hero, so he exits quickly.

Moving next door, he enters an accessory shop manned by a cantankerous old fellow named Cid. The two yell at each other for a while, and Sora leaves, heading to another area. He’s just in time to see some roach demons slaughter an innocent citizen. While Sora is unmoved by this grim spectacle, he does enjoy the chance to vent his frustrations through the skulls of his unwitting adversaries. Traverse Town runs black with their ink-like blood as Sora mows through another batch of pathetic miscreants.

Moving through town, Sora teaches legions of roach demons the meaning of the phrase bloody justice, but eventually gets bored. Luckily, he is confronted by some fellow named Leon who apparently really wants our hero’s Keyblade. Fighting ensues, and Leon swiftly learns his place. Sora, already tired from the endless slaughter he just partook in, faints quickly after dispatching Leon.

Sora wakes up hours later to see Kairi hovering over him, explaining that the roach demons are actually “Heartless.” It is actually not Kairi at all, however, but a ninja named Yuffie. She and Leon have abducted and taken Sora to a hotel room. Undoubtedly worried about the debauchery they are no doubt planning, Sora begins asking questions.

Through some monologues, Sora finds out that Heartless steal hearts all over the place, and all the stars in the sky are different worlds. Some guy named Ansem researched the Heartless, but he’s probably dead, so unfortunately not much else is known about these little devils. Leon does note that the Keyblade scares them, however, and that they will stalk Sora forever. Sora could not care less.

An attack by Heartless moments later scares the bejesus out of Leon, and they force Sora to run away. These new Heartless are no pathetic roach fodderlings, but humanoid creatures in knightly garb. I can almost see the look of delight in Sora’s face as their human-like forms provide him a more gruesome target.

While looking for targets, Sora finds himself in a large house apparently owned by two morose Dalmatians. They have lost their 99 children somehow, so they now spend their days just laying by the door looking sad. Sora will consider finding their missing whelps, but he can make no guarantees.

As Sora moves further into the town, he looks up to find two anthromorphic animals falling toward him…

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Wed Aug 18, 2010 1:09 pm

The three are immediately assaulted by a large suit of armor, which is quickly dispatched piece by piece. Sora gets to know the two creatures before him, who appear to be an angry alcoholic duck and a Forrest Gump-like mutant creature. At the urging of Leon, who did not help fight the suit of armor at all, Sora decides he will team up with Donald and Goofy. Their game plan was pretty similar to Kairi and Riku’s, go from world to world in a vessel. At least these maroons have an actual ship, Sora reasoned, so there’s one improvement.

The scene cuts to some sinister people watching Sora in a crystal ball. Some of the voices are clearly evil, while some just sound like Mardi Gras DJ’s. The only clear figure in the group is a green-faced witch of sorts who goes on and on about Sora and Heartless and other various plot points.

Back to Traverse Town, we see Leon and his merry gang saying goodbye to Sora. Donald, as a gift of friendship, somehow hands Sora the ability to shoot fireballs. A sinister grin creeps over Sora’s face as he thinks of the possibilities, but he has no time for that as he recalls a door seen earlier in his journey across town. Dragging his two animal companions with him, Sora sees a door with a gigantic fireball symbol on it.

Sora, known for his quick thinking and problem solving, blasts the door with his fire and enters. Inside is a tiny island in the middle of a tiny pond, surrounded by tiny rocks. Sora takes tiny leaps until he is inside the house, and finds the oldest man in the world within. Aptly named Merlin, the wizard teaches Sora a myriad of tricks concerning magic. There is also a Fairy Godmother, although Sora has no time for her antics.

Moving through town, the trio comes across a small circle with three hearts peppered along it. The narrator explains that these are Trinity Marks, and the gang can do certain things to them to make treasure come out. Sora, heeding the words of this omnipotent God, jumps up and down on the mark and out shoots countless orbs of the childishly named “Munny!” What is this perverse sorcery? Who sealed hundreds of munnies into the pavement beside the edge of town? Sora has no time for questions like this, he has things to buy.

Traverse Town holds no more mysteries for Sora and friends after this. He is anxious to see new worlds, exciting worlds, and he leaves through the gates to outer space, taking his new vessel to parts unknown…

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Danre on Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:31 pm

With two identical question mark orbs on his map, Sora picks the top one. After about three minutes of very mild flying through Heartless ships, his Gummi Ship reaches an orb covered in chess pieces and tiny shrubberies. Wonderland awaits.

Sora and his two companions find themselves tumbling through a rabbit hole, whimsical sights surrounding them. A panicked rabbit runs past, gibbering about being late, and Sora looks around. From his face it is clear he does not know what to make of this sick world. Is this another dream? Is he in some fantastic make-believe realm? Was the acid ingested on the Gummi Ship kicking in so soon?

Whatever the case, he delved deeper into this nonsense land, running down the halls until he reached a strange room filled with things too small and things too large. A doorknob informs Sora that he is too big. A potion on the table clears that right up, and the three are overwhelmed by more Heartless. Sora is overjoyed at these Heartless at first, tiny in stature and easily killable, but soon wishes for the more challenging humanoids of old. After murdering many of these tiny magic-spewing Heartless, Sora goes through a hole beside the door, as the doorknob is too worthless to let people inside the doorway it guards.

The next few hours of Sora’s life go by in a flash. Wonderland is a strange, reality-bending world where size is relative and playing cards speak. Upside-down is as normal as not here, and flowers open new paths if given offerings. However, Sora also realized that it is the most boring place he has ever been in his life.

Although much of the trip is nothing but a Technicolor blur to Sora, he does recall that a girl named Alice was put on a mock trial by a mad queen, who Sora promptly beat into submission. Alice, however, was kidnapped by Heartless, and Sora was forced to do battle with a strange beast made of playing cards. The battle was short, fierce and satisfying for our young hero, who takes this opportunity to lock the world’s heart and prevent it from being overrun by Heartless, therefore giving Sora an excuse to never come back to Wonderland again.

With his hapless companions in tow, Sora takes flight once more toward the next mysterious orb. As they fly through the heavens, they take note of a green planet floating nearby. Sora mentions that they are going to land and search for Kairi, while Donald, in a drunken stupor, insists that the planet is not worth landing on. In a battle over the ship controls, control is lost and the ship begins to spiral downward amidst their screams, landing with an ear-splitting crash among the tall, tall trees…

Danre

Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-07-27

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Danre plays through Kingdom Hearts!

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum